A Masquerade of Niceties You Hung Me by for Pleasure

Why don’t you take a walk in my shoes.

You find it funny, throwing rocks at my masterpiece. You enjoy the satisfaction of my heavy heart and confused spirit.

When I need you, you feel on top of the world — unstoppable — but one day I will stop you.

I will force you to squeeze your foot into the places I’ve walked. You will scream with terror as your body fights against the ruthlessness of ugly names and belligerence.

You are a coward, too proud to ever admit your wrongdoings. Your abuse has now become your trademark, in my mind at least.

I lost sight of the light you once shone. Who are you?

Crunch, crunch.

Eggshells crack beneath my feet and I pick up the pieces to add to my collection of broken memories and outbursts over nothingness.

I grab my coat to keep warm because you have turned my heart cold; You have taken a once hopeful woman and turned her bitter.

When you smear my name across the presentations you give to your friends, you can tell them I’ve always been this way. Convince them the problem was never you…it’s these damn bitches you keep falling for. They’re all crazy.

Who wouldn’t believe you? You are every American girl’s hope and dream…a prize worth showing off to all.

You knew just how to position yourself, hiding all threats and red flags underneath a masquerade of niceties you later hung me by for pleasure.

I was your toy and whenever I died, you knew just how to recharge my batteries or wind me up like it was all just play pretend and a joke I took too seriously.

I believed you more than I believed myself.

Before you, I had strength and confidence. I was a wildfire, untamed and ferocious.

Now, I’m silent; My heart is beating but I feel nothing…only fearful of your irrational actions I’m somehow always to blame for.

And when you finally go to sleep, I will breathe. I will start to sense my aliveness again, if only for a little while. I will caress her in my arms and tell her, It will be okay.

But will it be okay?

I spent months not sure of the answer to this question, diving even deeper into a mess I thought I had the power to change.

With you, I cleaned up a lot of messes, ashamed I let myself fall into a trap which consumed generations before me.

With you, I excused inexcusable behavior with the belief that my changed actions could fix your harmful ones. After all, I was the reason you did the nasty things you did. I caused the anger, outbursts, and drinking.

How fortunate I was to have your love, I told myself. Although a hoax and lie, a gift and treasure; A gift mistaken as a time bomb which loses it’s charm with each cruel look and remark made.

I feel sorry for you. It’s unfortunate your wounds have caused you to scar others, taking little accountability and failing at owning up to your mistakes.

Just remember, it’s not me stuck in the war of your mind…it’s you. At last caught in the scheme of things. You cannot run forever.

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Previously Published on medium

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