Why It’s Critically Important You Develop an Attachment Relationship With Your Teen

by admin February 18, 2023

“When you hand your kids a smartphone, there’s only one direction they’ll go. Further away from you.” — Collin Kartchner

When my son was born, the accumulation of sleepless nights drove me online for help. Bleary-eyed, I skimmed article after article looking for a magical formula to get him to sleep through the night.

What I learned is that all kids are different and there is no magic formula for getting babies to sleep, or for anything else in parenting for that matter. But I did discover there are certain things we can do to improve the odds, like establishing a soothing bedtime routine And, there are things we can do as parents to improve the odds of raising healthy children. These are called protective factors.

“Protective factors are conditions or attributes in individuals, families, and communities that promote the health and well-being of children and families.”

The single most important protective factor for raising healthy children is to foster a nurturing and attached relationship with them. When we give children a secure base from which to “explore, learn, and relate” they will thrive.

What does it mean to foster a nurturing and attached relationship with our children?

This Attachment Relationship

“Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between infant and caregiver, and it is the means by which the helpless infant gets primary needs met. It then becomes an engine of subsequent social, emotional, and cognitive development.”

New parents often come across the idea of attachment theory when they read books or articles about a baby’s first year, but once that year passes, attachment theory is usually forgotten. As Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate argue so convincingly in their book, Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, “For a child to be open to being parented by an adult, he must be actively attaching to that adult, be wanting contact and closeness with him.” What this means is that we need to work on maintaining our attachment relationship with our children, even when they become tweens and teens, and, in spite of the influence of the virtual world. Without it, our children won’t stay open to being parented by us. In fact, children need this attachment relationship for as long as they need to be parented.

Attachment is important long after infancy because it leads to a relationship based on mutual respect which, in turn, makes our children more willing to listen to our advice. Attachment even affects how our children’s brains develop. “The type of attachment between a parent and a child has a profound impact on how a child’s brain is developed…it actually allows the brain to wire the expectation for other relationships. It also develops the frontal lobe, the part of the brain that allows us to have empathy, to be flexible, to understand ourselves, to communicate well with others, to have all kinds of good and powerful ways to make decisions and be successful.” So, if we want our children to have good relationships with others, it’s essential for them to have a good relationship with us first. We must model the important social emotional skills they will need in life.

I’ve heard parents argue that it’s natural for teens to push parents away as they become more independent. This is true, but their prefrontal cortexes will not be fully developed until they reach their 20’s. This is not the time to relinquish our parenting role. As Daniel J. Siegel points out in his book, Brainstorm, “the healthy move to adulthood is toward interdependence, not complete ‘do it yourself’ isolation.” It is during these critical teen years that our kids need adult role models the most. When our kids spend all of their time online, they are exposed to peer culture 24/7. And peer culture often undermines our parental authority.

When Children Value Peers Over Parents

When our children are overexposed to peer culture their relationship with us erodes and we lose our influence. What replaces our influence? The influence of same-aged peers or online influencers and this is not usually a good thing.

As parents, one of our biggest fears is that our children won’t have any friends so we strive to provide opportunities for them to develop friendships. What we fail to realize is that if we push our children toward their peers too often or too early, we’re unconsciously driving them further away from us. If we stop having fun with our kids because we’re too busy, we push them into the arms of same-aged peers who don’t always have the best advice to give or have our children’s long-term interests at heart.

Attachment to peers is hurting our children. “Absolutely missing in peer relationships are unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other.” Peer relationships are insecure. When children enter middle school they might find that their closest friends from elementary school suddenly leave them behind to join new groups. This is a time of growth and transformation, but the process may be painful. In spite of what our children say, they still need us.

Children with a secure attachment to their parents stand a far better chance of weathering the storms of the teen years and navigating the changing peer landscape. Children without parental attachment will find this time deeply unsettling. They may seek connections with fickle peers and become too easily influenced by the actions of their peer group, even if these go against their values. As Drs. Neufeld and Mate point out, “fitting in with the immature expectations of the peer group is not how the young grow to be independent, self-respecting adults.” Of course friends are important, and friendships should be encouraged, but not at the expense of our relationship with our children.

What Happens When Our Children Seek Attachment Online?

The virtual world is like a detachment machine on steroids. The digital revolution has sped up the process by inundating our children with messages that undermine our authority and glorify peer relationships. Now our children have access to their friends 24/7 through smartphones, group texts and gaming chats. Even if we squeeze in an hour of quality time with our children each day, we’re no match for their fully connected peers.

“In a study published in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, teens who spend more time playing on the computer (not for homework) or watching TV were less attached to their parents than kids who spend comparatively little time with screens.” Not only does instantaneous access to peers erode our attachment relationship with our children, but in many cases the content our children engage with undermines our parental authority and our value systems as well.

As our children become enamored with the digital world, following the latest trends and conforming to the expectations of their ‘followers’, they may become almost unrecognizable to us. The online world is forcing us to surrender our influence and authority far too early. “The secret of parenting is not in what a parent does but rather who the parent is to the child. When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher, or a coach.” When our children disconnect from us and plug in to the virtual world instead, we lose our ability to effectively parent.

When parents argue that their children’s only friends are online, they don’t realize the shortcomings of virtual relationships. Face-to-face interactions are essential for healthy child development. When our children’s only connections are online, they aren’t learning the social emotional skills they’ll need for life.

Because of the influence of popular media and peers, there is a growing attitude of disdain for parents. As Kim John Payne points out in his podcast recording with Ginny Yurich from 1,000 Hours Outside, parents are the friction online marketers are seeking to circumvent. Online marketers want to capture the interest of the next generation of consumers. Parents are the ones standing in the way. Online marketers try to make the experience as frictionless as possible. To do this, they need to undermine the authority of parents. Hence, the dearth of TV shows and media content that portrays parents as blundering buffoons or as socially inept and ‘behind-the-times’.

Dr. Leonard Sax devotes an entire section of The Collapse of Parenting to this topic which he backs up with extensive research. I would go so far to argue that the digital revolution has not only ushered in this cultural change faster, but has also spread it further. By allowing young people to stay constantly connected to each other, we’re eroding their relationships with their parents and exposing them to the idea that parents are out-of-touch and in the way of our kids getting what they want. Far from developing their own individual identities, our children end up conforming to the expectations of the virtual world in greater numbers.

When exposed to popular influencers many teens start to speak like them, dress like them, and imitate their sometimes shocking, often overly sexualized behavior. After all, this type of content is what gets noticed and shared the most online. There is a lot of worthwhile virtual content, but without our guidance, children, tweens, and teens largely miss out on it. When left to their own devices, they choose instead to watch the content everyone is talking about at school.

What Happens When the Attachment Relationship is Broken?

The desire for connection is hard-wired into human programming. So much so, that when it is taken away, humans seek to find it anywhere they can. When the attachment relationship with parents is broken, children will seek connection online.

Where are our children looking for connections online? They are on social media apps seeking attention, connection, and validation through likes, comments, and shares. “Surveys show that ninety percent of teens ages 13–17 have used social media. Seventy five percent report having at least one active social media profile, and 51% report visiting a social media site at least daily. Two thirds of teens have their own mobile devices with internet capabilities.” Or, they are on gaming platforms where they can work with others to overcome challenges and reap dopamine rewards. The sad thing is, these connections are often shallow and superficial.

What is all this time spent online doing to our relationships with our children? “Interactive amusement-based technologies negate the need for interaction with family. Instead, they offer the remarkable seductive alternative of gaming or connecting to life outside the home.” How many hours do you spend fully engaged with your children each day? Not nagging them to complete homework or get ready for soccer, but playing games with them or simply talking over dinner. 10 minutes? 1 hour? There is a lot of wisdom in the old axiom garbage in, garbage out. If your children are spending hours a day immersed in social media or gaming apps and only an hour a day with you, which relationship will influence them the most? What does this mean for your relationship with your child? It means that the more time your child spends on screens, the more the distance grows between you.

It’s no wonder we see a breakdown in parental authority. Suffice it to say, if you want to maintain your attachment to your child you must limit their exposure to entertainment media and prioritize the quality time they spend with you.

Our bond with our children is being broken too soon. Our children need us now more than ever to be parents, not friends. We must be the ones shaping their values and setting the boundaries their own immature brains deem unnecessary. We must make them secure in the knowledge that we love them unconditionally, even when their peer relationships change.

Drs. Neufeld and Mate emphasize the importance of our attachment relationship with our children. Attachment is what makes our children feel secure enough to venture forth on their own and explore the world, confident in the knowledge we have their backs. Without an attachment relationship, we lose our authority to parent, guide, and instruct our offspring. When they seek this relationship online, they further disconnect from us.

Reflect

How much quality time does your child spend with you each day?
When you are with your children are you fully present? (not scrolling through your own social media accounts)
How much time do you, yourself spend on entertainment technology?
Do you allow devices at the dinner table or at restaurants? How about in the car?

Act — How to Nurture Your Attachment Relationship With Your Teen

1.Put down your devices

The best way to reconnect with your kids is to make sure you are fully present when you spend time with them. To do this, you must reevaluate your own screen behavior. Consider setting up a basket in a neutral location for all family members to put their devices in when they are home. This ensures that important family times are screen-free. I’m more likely to give my children my full attention when my phone is not in my pocket. Having it in a basket takes away the desire to pull it out whenever I have down time.

It’s essential for us, the parents, to model the behavior we want to see in our children. Our kids are far more likely to do as we do and not just as we say. Enjoy the meaningful conversations you’ll have at the end of the day when the family all returns home from their daily activities.

2. Make screen-free meals the norm

Strongly consider implementing device-free meals whenever you eat together as a family. This is the optimal time to reconnect with your kids. It gives everyone the opportunity to share something about the day. Social skills critical for the workplace can be practiced in a low pressure, supportive environment. Tell jokes, ask funny questions, and even play conversation games at the table. When you do this, you’ll make meaningful memories with your children, memories they will treasure in years to come.

3. Build in downtime before bed

When our children are toddlers we strive to create routines to get them to calm down before bed, all in the hope they’ll fall asleep quickly and give us a much-needed break. We bathe them, sing to them, and read to them, hoping this structured routine will lead to hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Having downtime before bed is just as important for tweens, teens, and adults. Don’t stop encouraging your family to engage in calming activities before bed. Turn off the screens 1–2 hours before sleep. Use this time to get close to your kids. Read to them before bed. I’m still reading to my 11-year-old. He insists on being tucked in and giving me one last hug before bed, even if we’ve had a difficult day together. I wouldn’t trade this time for the world. I choose a book that would be challenging for him to read on his own. This gives us something to talk about and inspires him to try new book genres and tackle harder texts on his own.

4. Make the most of critical windows of connection

There are a few critical windows in the day to let your children experience how much they mean to you. These are the transition times. When our kids are babies and wake-up crying, we immediately swoop in to tend to their needs. We smile and coo at them, speak to them in uplifting tones, and sooth them when they’re upset. First thing in the morning is one of these crucial windows for reconnecting with your kids, even as they get older. I’m often up writing before my kids wake up in the morning. After reading, Hold On To Your Kids, I started making a point of closing the lid on my laptop, standing up from my desk and giving them a big hug when they came down the stairs. Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes these important moments as prime opportunities to ‘collect your children’, that is “drawing them under our wing, making them want to belong to us and with us.” Other important windows of time are when you first see them after school or when they finish a sports practice, piano lesson, dance class, etc. Show them you are happy to see them again and actively listen to what they have to say about their day.

5. Have Fun With Your Kids

Think of ways to bring your family closer through the use of traditions, rituals, and positive family habits. Start with a family board game night or a popcorn and movie night. Or, have a tradition of taking a walk together every weekend. Bring a picnic lunch or get some donuts. Bring your bread crusts to feed the birds or a frisbee to toss around when you reach an open field. Sure, your kids might complain at first, but one day they’ll look back on these regular family activities fondly.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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