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Last week’s video led to some of the most interesting comments I’ve ever read on our YouTube page. From “sizing up” an infamous TV show shower scene to supporting my brother Stephen’s desire to have burritos in his life, you didn’t hold back. And I loved it.
While we don’t do a lot of two-parters, we couldn’t help ourselves when it came to this topic. We decided to correct some errors in our last video and then do a deep dive into why so many people are enticed by the idea that they can “fix” another person.
Ultimately, we too often think we’re just playing with romance when we’re really playing with our time. And if nothing else, I hope today’s video helps you safeguard yours.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
your life is precious
00:02
and you can’t stake your life on the
00:05
changing of somebody else’s trauma
00:07
because you never know what stage
00:08
someone is in
00:10
at dealing with their trauma
00:16
let’s start with uh your your comment
00:19
here on the the show sex life which you
00:22
know we we talked about i had a bit of
00:24
banter about it i had never seen it so i
00:27
was one of those annoying people that
00:28
was talking about something they’d never
00:29
actually seen
00:31
uh what are your thoughts you’ve watched
00:32
three episodes now tell us well tell me
00:34
what this review says because i want to
00:36
see if i agree with the tone of it i’ll
00:39
read you a little bit of it but uh it’s
00:41
quite interesting so uh hi matt
00:44
hey
00:45
here i am matthew interrupting my own
00:48
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00:49
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00:51
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00:53
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01:00
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01:02
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01:11
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01:15
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01:18
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01:22
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01:23
01:27
and now back to me i highly recommend
01:29
you watching the movie it’s not
01:31
pornography it’s now steve it’s not a
01:32
movie is it it’s a show it’s a show
01:34
it’s a show so now i’m questioning
01:36
whether she’s actually watched it
01:38
she had security and stability with her
01:41
husband despite the fact that he was
01:42
looking physically amazing with a
01:44
six-pack and everything uh and he looked
01:46
like he had it all together but she felt
01:48
unwanted because he put her last on his
01:50
priority list behind his career and
01:52
their kids now this much i got from the
01:54
trailer steve
01:56
he had no time for her uh their
01:58
relationship lacked chemistry big time
02:01
connection and compatibility yeah well
02:04
those those are some of the problems
02:05
isn’t it when we when we choose
02:07
a certain look and a certain set of
02:09
criteria that we see on paper without
02:11
looking for the deeper stuff
02:14
her ex-lover was an aussie man not a
02:16
brit so there i got that wrong i was
02:17
going to correct that immediately
02:18
actually you’re both wrong i think he’s
02:20
a kiwi he mentions being a kiwi so he’s
02:23
from new zealand
02:24
fair enough um charismatic and magnetic
02:29
who knew how to make her feel wanted and
02:32
desired so hot they had undeniable
02:35
chemistry and compatibility together and
02:37
their connection was off the charts
02:39
stephen now that sounds like the
02:41
beginning of any heartbreak
02:44
story when i when i hear that because i
02:46
know that there’s a butt coming and
02:48
guess what steve there is but he had
02:51
unhealed childhood trauma regarding his
02:54
father because his father left him and
02:56
his mum when he was a kid she kept
02:58
pushing him to solve it there’s the
03:00
problem in it
03:01
but he was in blaming and victim
03:04
mentality you know men don’t like to be
03:06
told what to do although she was in her
03:08
psychology phd program meaning she knew
03:11
a lot about human behavior by the way
03:14
this is this all i’m not now i’m not
03:16
slagging it off because i haven’t seen
03:18
it
03:18
but i’m just talking about what i’m
03:20
hearing in this review
03:22
this all sounds like a caricatured
03:24
version of every situation
03:27
how every woman feels like i you know
03:30
i’m psychologically evolved
03:33
that i
03:34
emotionally
03:35
understand people on a level that this
03:37
buffoon this lovable
03:39
sexy buffoon in front of me doesn’t and
03:42
i know what’s best for him better than
03:44
he does
03:46
the most of the women we talk to don’t
03:48
have psychology phds some of them do
03:51
however
03:52
most of them don’t but they still have
03:54
that feeling like i have done some sort
03:57
of life psychology phd
03:59
and i know better than this
04:02
idiot who turns me on
04:04
uh so she knew a lot about human
04:06
behavior
04:07
after he resolved his trauma issues with
04:09
his father which by the way he had a
04:11
totally wrong perspective about his
04:13
father all those years
04:15
the aussie guy wanted her back but was
04:17
too late because after she got tired of
04:19
his roller coaster emotional behavior
04:22
she decided to marry this good-looking
04:24
wealthy guy to have a stable life and
04:27
kids like most women
04:30
want well i think we’re learning that
04:32
well we’re not learning steve i mean we
04:34
bloody well know it’s not the only thing
04:37
most people want is a good-looking
04:38
wealthy guy to have a stable life and
04:40
kids
04:42
it definitely isn’t the only thing
04:44
someone wants
04:45
yeah
04:46
a little bit more her husband wanted to
04:49
know what she saw in her ex-lover that
04:52
he didn’t have yeah so he starts
04:54
following the guy oh he starts following
04:56
the guy okay so then uh but it wasn’t
04:59
the size of his penis
05:01
like most men think but just for the
05:03
record i never thought it was about the
05:06
size of the other bloke’s penis matt it
05:08
was matt it was they show it in episode
05:10
three it was absurd
05:12
no i know i’m just saying like i put
05:14
that down to just there’s a a writer in
05:17
the writers room
05:19
at the production company who’s just
05:20
thinking
05:21
this is gonna get us publicity for the
05:24
show yeah so i’m not i don’t think that
05:27
this really like the what lured her back
05:29
was just a
05:30
huge penis
05:32
but
05:33
um
05:34
it wasn’t the size of a penis like most
05:36
men think i don’t even think most men
05:37
think that but let’s keep going it was
05:39
about connection and compatibility don’t
05:42
think it didn’t sound like it was about
05:44
compatibility um when it’s about
05:46
insecurities men think immediately about
05:49
the size of their penis i don’t know if
05:51
that’s true i don’t i think we think
05:53
about the fact i think we think about
05:55
everything
05:56
i’m not i haven’t got any money uh i’m
05:58
not funny yeah other blokes are funnier
06:01
than i am they’re more interesting than
06:03
i am they’re more intelligent than i am
06:04
yeah they’re taller they’re more famous
06:06
they’re right
06:08
and he’s probably got a bigger penis
06:10
women think about size of their breasts
06:12
that her words not mine um but it’s not
06:14
about body parts size is about
06:17
connection no matter how much she tried
06:19
to connect with her husband it didn’t
06:21
work we cannot force connection period i
06:24
urge you to watch the movie
06:26
i think it’s a tv show it’s going to
06:28
change your perspective about women’s
06:29
desire and what matters to us most
06:32
when young we seek adventure and
06:34
excitement when more mature we seek
06:37
safety stability love and peace so um
06:40
that was from abundance angel which by
06:43
the way um thank you thank you for
06:46
thank you for laying it out uh thank you
06:48
for your commentary on the episode we’re
06:50
really happy that you decided to write
06:52
in we appreciate it stephen
06:56
what do you think
06:57
well it’s good it’s that’s a nice
06:59
framing of of the dilemma of the show
07:01
and and um i can’t tell what side
07:03
abundance is on there i guess she’s sort
07:05
of saying she
07:06
empathizes with the main character billy
07:08
who decides to go on this dalliance uh
07:11
from her husband now
07:13
i’ve only seen three episodes so i’m not
07:15
gonna review the whole show um
07:18
let’s get it out the way there is some
07:20
this this show takes every cliche box
07:23
you could imagine of
07:25
fantasy
07:27
you know fantasy uh love triangle geared
07:30
towards women
07:31
it’s trying to frame up the
07:33
oh there’s two extremely gorgeous men on
07:36
the table and just so the comparison
07:39
between them doesn’t get too difficult
07:42
they’re both obscenely rich and
07:44
successful so we don’t want them to be
07:46
like we don’t like women watching it
07:48
going well well her husband’s really
07:50
successful so she should just be with
07:52
him because he’s got this beautiful yeah
07:54
yeah you want to make it a level playing
07:56
field financially so that it’s not like
07:58
he’s just the loser with the the giant
08:00
right the
08:02
the bad
08:04
the bad boy aussie who’s already really
08:06
handsome anyway but they’re saying they
08:08
can’t they can’t go why he’s a bad boy
08:10
but he’s down and out it’s like no he’s
08:11
a bad boy he’s also matt
08:14
an important enough record producer to
08:16
get on the cover of rolling stone so a
08:19
record producer on the cover of rolling
08:21
stone so he’s really
08:23
up there um
08:25
you know he’s like a scooter braun or
08:27
something um right and so it’s sort of
08:30
like twice it’s sort of like twilight
08:32
where bella is both with the hottest
08:34
vampire
08:35
and the hottest werewolf right and it’s
08:37
like
08:38
what like she’s the only one in the
08:40
world who’s dating these two
08:42
supernatural freaks
08:44
right exactly she can’t even share him
08:46
around
08:47
and uh her husband’s like this super
08:50
successful finance guy but he’s not just
08:52
soulless in finance matt he runs impact
08:55
investing funds because he could have
08:57
presumably have multiple millions at jp
09:00
morgan i think it’s mentioned but he
09:02
basically turned it down to do still
09:05
highly lucrative given their house but
09:08
yeah much more ethical impact investing
09:10
to imp invest in good
09:13
you know good but we don’t know what
09:14
they do we don’t know what sort of size
09:16
mortgage they had no no
09:18
there’s lots of problems in the show
09:20
there is some
09:21
extremely
09:23
unsubtle voice over narration that
09:25
literally tells you every thought the
09:27
character has while we’re already seeing
09:29
it on the screen so it’s completely
09:31
unnecessary
09:33
and you know it’s like our breast
09:35
pumping’s really frustrating well we can
09:36
see that because you look miserable
09:38
while you’re wearing a breast pump
09:40
and
09:41
you know and they get her to do the
09:43
exact voice over it’s really off really
09:46
unusual because the voice over sounds
09:48
exactly like the voice over in gone girl
09:51
and they clearly watched that and you
09:52
know how much that annoyed me steve i
09:54
found that i i enjoyed gone girl as a
09:57
movie but i just found the voice over
09:59
incredibly affected right right and yeah
10:01
gone girl’s great but yeah that that
10:03
part is like the the kind of part that
10:05
you really notice and they have almost
10:08
do an impression of the same voice so
10:10
that’s soft
10:11
but yeah basically i’ve seen a lot of
10:13
women criticizing
10:15
the part of the show of her decisions
10:17
and some people have said oh this is a
10:19
great sort of you know it’s not i don’t
10:22
think it’s a great show i mean let me
10:23
just get that out there it’s silly
10:26
the writing is cliched etc um but
10:30
i think some people are saying well it’s
10:31
good we’re seeing for once like a woman
10:33
having to deal with the decision of
10:35
cheating and it’s not just like mad men
10:37
and it’s not just like don draper he’s
10:39
cheating on his wife and we’re all kind
10:40
of oh god he’s so broken inside you know
10:43
it’s the woman doing it
10:45
that now so i get that but obviously now
10:48
a lot of people are judging well you
10:50
know
10:50
is uh do i feel like i
10:53
did empathize with this character and
10:55
the only thing is the husband tries
10:58
really hard actually as soon as she
11:01
i mean he he is handsome and seems like
11:04
a lovely guy there’s not a catch there
11:06
he’s like this good-hearted guy he’s
11:09
he’s not he’s not some wimp he’s like a
11:11
strong guy
11:13
successful everyone loves him
11:15
and
11:16
when she when he reads her diary and
11:19
sees she’s been writing about
11:21
old kiwi fella that she loved before and
11:23
she’s saying i’m fantasizing about him
11:25
so much because bloody kids is annoying
11:28
and you know not as fun not as fun like
11:30
she had a bit of a wild life before
11:32
which we already knew about because
11:34
she’s narrated it yeah and her husband
11:35
knows nothing about any of her wild past
11:38
and that’s part of the thing he’s not
11:39
been in on that at all
11:41
but she has said oh the sex with him was
11:43
was great when we first got together so
11:45
the husband can have great sex
11:47
and then like the first time he’s
11:49
watching the game he’s a bit like busy
11:52
but then
11:53
they do when he reads the diary and goes
11:55
oh my god she’s been fantasizing about
11:57
another man he
11:59
immediately starts to like do some wild
12:02
[ __ ] for her to like take her to like
12:04
sneak into this rich guy’s pool and they
12:07
like have a have a fun night there doing
12:09
like crazy stuff getting in trouble
12:11
which is a weird thing to do when you’re
12:13
a rich guy with a pulse i know and they
12:15
drive it away from the police and
12:16
everything and
12:18
with just a towel around them so she’s
12:19
had a mental wild night like the old
12:21
days and he’s done that just because
12:24
he’s read her diary about some other guy
12:26
which is probably by the way about the
12:28
best response you could possibly hope
12:30
for from someone reading that right and
12:33
and so i’m not saying the life with him
12:35
is obviously what what she she’s
12:37
obviously feeling unsatisfied but it’s
12:39
like well this guy started trying quite
12:41
quickly and clearly wants to fix this
12:44
issue
12:44
they never have a conversation where she
12:46
goes
12:47
so
12:48
i have been feeling sexually unfulfilled
12:51
can we you know talk about that a bit
12:53
it’s just oh he did try we sort of had a
12:56
good we had a really good night but i
12:58
still feel it didn’t really quite make
13:00
me feel so satisfied but um yeah so i
13:04
think a lot of people are judging well
13:05
like
13:06
was there enough to sort of drive her to
13:09
another guy but maybe we’re just seeing
13:11
a flawed character and she’s just not
13:13
making great decisions a la don draper
13:16
we don’t defend everything don draper
13:18
does
13:18
um maybe she’s just making silly
13:21
decisions and
13:22
it’s all gonna end going oh what a crazy
13:25
path i took that time when my marriage
13:27
was in a crisis
13:29
or maybe there’s a deeper cultural
13:31
critique matt that is saying
13:34
maybe the very deep you know you know i
13:37
like to look for underlying messages in
13:40
things the secret message the straussian
13:42
message and maybe the straussian message
13:44
here is
13:46
marriage doesn’t work for everyone and
13:49
maybe this woman was societally
13:52
geared to to to lean towards getting
13:54
married eventually and it was never
13:56
maybe it’s not for everyone and this
13:59
show is going look she wants to be with
14:01
the bad boy with the toxic
14:04
you know family relationship and she
14:06
wants to have all sorts of fun and a
14:08
stable marriage is never going to be
14:09
satisfying
14:11
i don’t know matt or maybe it’s
14:12
criticizing marriage as a whole
14:14
the only thing is the bad boy has a lot
14:16
of i mean he does have toxic traits
14:20
and
14:21
i get i get that he’s working on him but
14:24
she has a bad interaction with his
14:26
family and he immediately is like to her
14:28
like go get out i don’t want to talk to
14:30
you like you’ve seen the real me and my
14:32
fat my crappy stepdad like he’s
14:34
basically saying to her like get the
14:35
hell out of here um right and
14:38
you know i mean that’s not a great start
14:40
is it
14:41
well i just think that we
14:43
we glorify this idea of changing the guy
14:45
who’s got trauma
14:48
and
14:49
and that i don’t think that needs any
14:51
more glorification
14:53
i you know it’s not that’s not listen
14:56
steve i i’m in the weird position of
14:59
having coached
15:02
most type you know i’ve coached
15:04
both genders
15:06
over 15 years longer than that now if
15:09
you count both genders i’ve i’ve worked
15:11
with everybody
15:12
and
15:13
i have empathy across the board
15:16
you know one of the things that i’ve
15:18
been criticized for in the past is
15:19
having too much empathy for guys and you
15:22
know oh why are you you know why don’t
15:24
you just tell women to do this when a
15:26
guy like that shows up and so on but
15:28
it’s because i have a kind of
15:30
360 degree empathy i like p i love
15:33
people don’t always like them
15:35
i love them
15:36
and
15:38
but when a guy has trauma your life is
15:41
precious
15:43
and you can’t stake your life on the
15:45
changing of somebody else’s trauma
15:47
because you never know what stage
15:49
someone is in
15:51
at dealing with their trauma
15:54
you know they could be at an
15:56
attention-seeking phase with their
15:57
trauma
15:59
they could be an excuse-making phase
16:01
with their trauma
16:03
where they’re saying i they’re using
16:05
their trauma right now and have done
16:06
with the last 10 women
16:08
they’re using their trauma as an excuse
16:10
to do the behaviors that they enjoy
16:12
doing
16:13
or that are fun or comfortable or maybe
16:16
they learned one day that
16:17
when they brought up their trauma women
16:19
gave them sympathy
16:22
and so they kept every every new
16:23
situation they were in they realized ah
16:25
trauma is my my free pass
16:29
when i mention my trauma and my parents
16:31
and whatever women go from being angry
16:33
at me for stuff i’ve done to being
16:34
sympathetic
16:36
i had no idea
16:39
and now they start showing up for me
16:40
differently so what’s easier
16:42
you know owning my stuff or or telling
16:45
people my trauma and it’s not there’s no
16:48
pro there’s nothing wrong with ex
16:50
of revealing parts of yourself and your
16:52
traumas to people but
16:54
that has to be re you’re revealing them
16:56
from a place of ownership and this is
16:58
something i’m working on not
17:00
i have all of this stuff and i know it’s
17:02
making your life a misery but that’s my
17:04
stuff
17:05
and you can’t
17:07
you know i’m that fifty shades to me
17:10
kind of did the same thing it’s like
17:12
we’re glorifying someone sticking on the
17:14
journey of someone who has massive
17:17
trauma and makes their life miserable in
17:19
the meantime
17:20
on the idea we call it the one day wager
17:22
steve the idea that one day
17:25
somebody is gonna change if i just give
17:27
them enough love if i just give them
17:29
enough support if i just give enough of
17:31
my life to this person they’ll change
17:33
but the relationship you have with
17:34
someone is the relationship you have
17:36
right now
17:38
it’s not it’s not the relationship you
17:39
will one day have it’s the one you have
17:41
now
17:43
and
17:44
you know it’s it’s it’s it’s interesting
17:48
because that that review on itunes i had
17:50
a similar thing
17:52
happen when i was on a radio show and i
17:54
criticized 50 shades for its message
17:58
and someone who was a big fan of 50
18:00
shades a woman who was a big fan of 50
18:02
shades got quite
18:03
defensive
18:05
about it and about their connection
18:08
and what they had together
18:10
and what he was having to work what she
18:12
was helping him work through
18:14
and it’s to me it’s this very
18:18
it’s this
18:19
beyond cliche narrative
18:22
of the woman helping the guy overcome
18:25
his trauma in the meantime just
18:28
martyring herself
18:31
to his trauma
18:33
and and that is that is not that cannot
18:37
be
18:38
no none of us would give that as a
18:40
recipe to someone we love any woman we
18:43
love whether it’s your sister whether
18:46
it’s your daughter whether it’s your mum
18:47
who you find you know your mom’s single
18:49
again after a divorce from your dad and
18:52
she’s back out there who among us would
18:54
prescribe that as a narrative we would
18:58
want them to follow as a story we would
19:00
want them to embark on
19:02
oh yeah it’s my mum who i’m really i’ve
19:05
really wanted to meet a great guy
19:07
guy shows up who’s got five years of
19:09
deep trauma to go through where she’s
19:10
gonna make her life hell yeah choose
19:12
that one
19:14
yeah
19:14
who’s gonna say that none of us would
19:16
choose it for for a person we love and
19:18
yet
19:20
we frequently choose it for ourselves
19:22
so what does that tell you
19:24
it tells you that you’re the anytime
19:27
you’re defending the idea of sticking
19:29
around for someone who is making your
19:31
life miserable
19:33
because of their trauma
19:35
it
19:36
it’s it says it’s about your
19:39
your confidence or your lack of love for
19:42
yourself
19:43
it’s not about whether you actually
19:45
think this is a good idea or not because
19:47
if it was someone you truly loved
19:49
outside of yourself you would not
19:51
recommend this you tell them to get out
19:52
now
19:53
that’s at the heart of so much of what i
19:56
i worry about with stuff like this is
19:58
that it does just it glorifies the very
20:00
thing
20:02
that
20:03
we have spent 15 years
20:06
helping people to avoid
20:08
and making them confident enough to
20:10
realize
20:11
they should avoid
20:14
and we
20:15
meet the woman who is at the end of a
20:18
five or a 10 or a 20 or a 30 year
20:21
journey of having given her time to that
20:25
kind of person
20:26
many of whom and perhaps even arguably
20:29
most
20:31
of whom don’t actually change
20:34
most don’t ever have the big turnaround
20:37
moment
20:39
right and you go ask yourself if if you
20:42
stuck with someone for 10 years
20:44
if you were with someone for 10 years
20:47
a total
20:48
and it was miserable for nine years but
20:50
in year nine or just just as year ten
20:53
was coming up they changed
20:55
and you had a great last year with them
20:59
is that calculation worth it to you even
21:01
if that happens
21:04
and
21:08
that may not even happen
21:10
they may not even change in the 11th
21:12
hour or the 10th hour they may not
21:15
so you may have just rode it out with
21:17
someone with someone who who never is
21:19
gonna change
21:22
so
21:23
it’s dangerous stuff
21:25
we think we’re playing with romance
21:27
but we’re playing with our time
21:31
we think we’re playing with romance but
21:32
we’re playing with our time
21:34
and and time doesn’t give a [ __ ] about
21:36
your romance
21:39
time does not it has no generosity
21:43
towards you in that respect
21:45
it will let you do you do your thing
21:47
waste me all you want i ain’t coming
21:48
back
21:50
you ain’t getting a free pass there’s no
21:52
second chance once we lose today today
21:55
is gone once we lose this year this year
21:57
is gone there is no begging bartering or
22:01
blackmail that can get you back this
22:03
year
22:04
so consider that when you find yourself
22:07
justifying why you keep giving time to
22:10
someone who albeit for legitimate trauma
22:13
is making your life miserable
22:15
i i have i have more to say but should
22:17
we is that an episode should we cut
22:19
there
22:20
and then
22:21
do another because i had i had all sorts
22:24
of other things
22:25
i came to talk about today and somehow
22:29
we’ve done a part two of the show sex
22:31
life which i’ve never seen
22:36
before you go did you know that the mh
22:39
virtual retreat is coming up this is
22:42
three days of coaching immersion where
22:44
we’re going to be working on your
22:46
ability to manage your emotions your
22:48
confidence and your direction in life i
22:52
hope you’ll join us it’s going to be the
22:54
most amazing event it’s the best thing
22:56
that i do i really believe that and so
22:58
many people’s lives are changed by this
23:00
if you want to find out more go to
23:02
23:04
and i’ll see you over there
23:22
you
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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The post Fantasizing About “Changing a Man”? [Video] appeared first on The Good Men Project.